Just Not Enough
by Wolf from the Hidden Flames
Summary: Because Shizuru would always be ‘just not enough’. [Mangaverse]


**Wolf: **It's very late…2:23 am in the morning in fact and I should be in bed but I'm not sleepy and I'm highly irritated to the point where I could say I'm pissed. I just needed to write and let out some steam. Needed to desperately write some angst. **D e s p e r a t e l y ! **No happy ending here just to warn you but that doesn't mean it'll be all blood and tears…well there will be tears but no blood nor insanity. Shame. I love blood and tears and insanity.

Enjoy it if you can. And do review if you like it! I wanna know what people think about the stuff I write when I'm in a bad mood. I need to punch something...

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Mai HiME. If I did this angst wouldn't exist.

**Just Not Enough**

* * *

It was quiet and peaceful in this spacious room. They sat a few feet apart, knees settled softly on cushions on the wooden floor. Their hands grasped cups filled with tea and lightly sipped at it, one with the utmost grace and the other with a slight ruggedness despite attempts at being careful. They made idle talk, sent reserved but familiar glances. That's how they were with each other. Familiar. They knew each other and were the most cautious of friends with each other. They'd bled and cried, though often hid their ordeals and tears from each other. They trusted each other but only to a point. After all they were only so close and yet so far from each other, not ever daring to breach the border of mere acquaintances. They were familiar with each other, knew the outward appearances of each other. And they planned for it to stay that way. One step across the borderline of acquaintances could shatter their comfortable ease. Neither was willing to take that risk. 

Because they trusted each other, just not enough.

Eyes the color of frosted viridian pools lifted from the tea in lithe fingers and traveled across the wooden floor. They rose along black cloth hugging soft curves and up around slim shoulders framed by gentle honey-shaded tresses to a pale tender face. They stared at long dark lashes grazing porcelain cheeks. Something flickered in those cool orbs that were slightly veiled by dark midnight azure tresses. Her index finger tapped gently on her tea cup. Too much time had passed already in their small get together. It was time to go. Any more time would be dangerous.

She lowered her cup.

Russet eyes fluttered open at the barest of thuds the cup made against the floor and whisked over to her. Dark eyes the color of mixed scarlet, burgundy, and just a slight shade of amber. A sweet smile curled her thin lips as she spoke, heavy-accented voice floating in the still air, "Is something the matter?"

She responded. Her voice was deep, husky and almost masculine. It spoke with strong vocal cords, the slight edged tone bordering between nervousness and confidence. Her words attempted reassurance, "No. Nothing's wrong. I just have to go."

Something cracked in the fair haired one's mask. The most miniscule of tears chipped at her façade and for a moment, dejection coated her lovely dim eyes. Then it was patched up again in an instant. Her sweet smile graced her lips again, "Ara, so soon? I'm disappointed Natsuki won't spare me a few more minutes of her valuable time, though I will not keep her. You may leave."

They were polite words, tender words. There was no fight in them. Her disappointment was not false yet she had craftily hidden it by colored words so easily that Natsuki was almost sure it was. Almost. She shot a swift glance, a solemn apology in those pallid eyes before nodding and rising. Her footsteps sounded something akin to finality as she walked to the shoji doors. As she slid the doors open, she hesitated and gazed over at the maiden still crouched on the floor, sipping her tea. A rough swallow made its way down her alabaster throat and she forced the words out, "I…had a good time Shizuru. Same time next time?"

"Of course," Shizuru replied, her smile still intact and her russet eyes still so poised and calm, almost untouchable with just that humble ambiance.

Natsuki nodded and allowed a tiny, rough grin to light her face before she disappeared through the doors with a flourish of her school clothes and rich cobalt hair. Shizuru stared at the door for a couple seconds more, russet eyes still glittering with politeness. Then she set down her tea and shuffled to her feet. Long legs glided across the room and hands were about to shut the doors when they paused.

Natsuki was scurrying to her bike, silken hair bouncing on her back and shoulders. Shizuru sucked in her breath and allowed minutes of release in which a crushed look ripped away her façade. Her lips quivered and her hands shook on the shoji doors. She rasped softly, weakly, "Natsuki…what could I do to make you allow me entrance into your heart? Into your precious, small circle of trusted friends? How much would I have to give? Am I no good? Natsuki…"

Then her hands closed the doors and shadows licked at her face, concealing the single tear that glimmered in her eyes. The tear that would never trickle down her cheek and chin, for it would be wiped away by slender fingers.

Tears couldn't fall for a friend that was only just barely hers.

- - -

"I can't come today."

She'd stopped her, in the middle of the grounds of the school whilst she was on her way home. She'd just escaped Haruka's raucous wails about something or another that needed her attention desperately for she was the Student Council President. The Kaichou had startled at this, rare and brief surprise flapping upon her face like that of a bird shocked into flight and flee. Her russet hues had widened and hurt glinted lightly as she murmured, "Ara, why not?"

"Yuuichi has kendo practice and I want to be there for him," she responded with a clipped, cold tone. There was nothing of the mild compassion that had been there the previous week. There was never any tame gentleness in Natsuki's tone and words when it came to an obstacle between her and Yuuichi.

Yuuichi. Tate Yuuichi. She recalled only meeting him some meager times. She did not care much for the boy though she knew he was popular, especially among many of the girls and the HiME. Especially the HiME. He was not just a boy, he was a hero. One of the heroes whom had stopped the Obsidian Prince's effort into destroying the world. However, at the moment, heroic tales did not concern her.

She'd stood on the sidelines, barely able to be of any assistance and could only watch and wait. Watch as Tate Yuuichi spun and easily captivated Natsuki's heart.

"So…I can't go."

Natsuki's words broke her from her thoughts again. She gazed at her friend with almost something like confusion, but there was nothing to be confused about. Natsuki wanted to spend time with Tate. She would not bar Natsuki's happiness. She could never.

Sometimes though, despite all careful planning and measuring and lengths just to spend the span of a second with Natsuki, her endeavors were often foiled. One thing or another would get in her way, test the boundaries of their not quite friendship and she'd be left standing in the dust as Natsuki raced away to something of more value to her.

Shizuru would only look on silently, never wavering in her stance. She'd look on as Natsuki drifted further and further from her reach. There were times though, occasional precious time where Natsuki would race back to her by the easily broken thread of loyalty tying her and Shizuru. Times where she'd be standing there in front of her, where Shizuru was close enough to touch her. Just close enough to lift her arm and graze her hand against Natsuki's delicate visage. But then those times would be dissipated, the thread broken once again by something else.

Because they were important to each other, just not enough.

"Are you listening?"

And again her thoughts were broken and she was pulled out of her foggy dazed mind of thinking. Natsuki was looking at her, openly shifting nervously now and a guilty look meekly braced her verdigris orbs. This stabbed Shizuru, struck a core that she could make Natsuki this meek and unsure. So she did what she had to do, reassure her lovely almost friend. Her smile was almost too bright, crinkling her dim eyes as she cooed, "Ara! Natsuki is so adorable looking so shy! You need not worry. It's alright that you wish to be somewhere else. We'll just reschedule next week."

A hint of a flush erupted on Natsuki's cheek and she dipped her chin to hide it, dark tresses cresting her face. Shizuru beamed at this, overjoyed at the adorable image Natsuki presented her. Her chuckle was low and tainted with the sound of her accent, though sweet and melodic. Natsuki glared at her, annoyed but her pale eyes were almost thankful.

"Anyway I'll be seeing you later. Gotta go now, Yuuichi's practice is starting soon," Natsuki quipped as that cocky smirk tipped her lips and she turned to her bike.

Shizuru watched her, like always, ever silent. She watched as Natsuki grasped her helmet and placed it on her head, hiding the beautiful face that her soul swooned at each time she laid eyes upon it. She watched as Natsuki swung her leg over her bike and turn to her one last time. A single wave, just a swish of her wrist and hand and the engine roared to life and spurted forwards. Shizuru watched and just stood there, watched and waited and hoped that Natsuki would suddenly turn around and say she'd changed her mind. Watched and waited because it was the only thing she knew how to do.

Because she could step into Natsuki's circle of friends, just not enough.

Against all thoughts that she couldn't, against all rational logic that she shouldn't, she waited there. She waited in the middle of the grounds of the campus. She waited in front of the school, arms limp at her black-clothed form. She waited on the concrete, ever gazing off down the road Natsuki had long disappeared to. Waited as hours swept by and the sun dipped in the sky and along the horizon; waited as dusk and sunset settled.

Then just before the sun was completely gone, before night took over completely, she stopped waiting. Her legs, aching at having been standing in the same spot for so long, screamed softly as she moved. Her steps were slow though not unshaken. She crossed to the path leading to home where she'd spend another night brooding over failed attempts and lost chances. One more night in which she'd remain just short of Natsuki's friend.

- - -

She was elated.

Natsuki had come the next week. They'd sat in the same room again, with the same cushions and the same set of tea cups with the same tea. They'd made similar small talk once again, about school and projects and Natsuki and her friends. Her friends. Natsuki's friends. Natsuki had once tried to probe, had once tried to ask and wriggle any comments out of Shizuru about her own friends. Shizuru had just sipped demurely from her tea and allowed a secretive smile to curve her mouth before shaking her head, eyes twinkling. Though her eyes, which had been so easily mistaken for amusement, had glimmered in utter sorrow.

She was surprised though. Natsuki had stayed much longer than usual.

The girl had shared hours with her on this day, just drinking in the presence of her acquiescent friend. She'd complacently sat with the other girl, just talking the day away and drinking her tea. Eventually though, as the hours wore on, her exhaustion began to become noticeable. Shizuru had watched silently as the cobalt-haired biker's speech had started to slow; her eyes started to droop and become heavy and drowsy. She'd watched just as silently as Natsuki had leaned against the shoji doors and drifted off into a lulling doze, tea cup just barely hanging from her hands. Shizuru had watched as the girl's face had become placid and sweet, like that of a baby's. She'd watched and had not been able to resist.

She crossed the boundary; she took a step closer into Natsuki's circle.

She'd knelt beside Natsuki, russet pools gazing wistfully at the beautiful vision of porcelain skin, dark night tresses, long eyelashes, soft cheeks and chin, and a pair of tiny full lips. Her heart had squeezed in her chest and flutters flapped in her stomach. A flush had fragilely painted itself on her own cheeks and her mouth had opened in a small, quiet gasp. Then her fingers were suddenly up and they trembled as they reached to grace Natsuki's cheek. Soft, tender skin. Her hand had shook. Her face bent inward and her russet eyes closed. Her nose twitched and inhaled the strange scent of the girl. Musky and heavy and something almost floral that she couldn't quite pinpoint. Something untamed, like wildflowers. Her lips had been mere centimeters from brushing against Natsuki's skin; her heart had been beating a hungry staccato beat. Then she stopped and pulled away, dim orbs opening. Melancholy overflowed in her eyes and she turned away in shame, downcast and downtrodden. She couldn't do this, couldn't touch Natsuki like this.

She was not able to touch Natsuki in any such way like this. She was not able to be this close to her, this comfortable. She just wasn't. Natsuki had other friends whom were far closer to her than Shizuru. She had other companions she could confide in. She had other confidants she could turn to. She had a love, a deep love burning in her heart for Tate Yuuichi. She had a special friendship, that of best friends and rivals, with Tokiha Mai. She had a mother and a sister, Kuga Saeko and Alyssa. She had everything she needed, everything she could hope for. A family. Friends. A love, though unrequited, still unwavering. She didn't need Shizuru.

Because Shizuru could be there for her, just not enough.

- - -

"Farewell Natsuki. I'm so glad you were able to come today," Shizuru whispered sweetly as she strode to the shoji doors and politely opened it for the girl. Natsuki nodded and yawned, one hand coming up to cover her gaping mouth. A twitch in Shizuru's poised smile at the adorable sight. Her dark eyes followed Natsuki's form as the HiME slipped out of the house and she could not refrain from asking, "Will I see Natsuki tomorrow?"

The answer she received disappointed her.

"Can't. I've got plans with-"

"Tate-san?" Shizuru interjected with knitted brows.

A blush darkened Natsuki's cheeks and she shook her head, "No actually…he has plans with Mai. I've got plans with my mother and Alyssa."

Her husky voice was a mixture of sadness and joy. Sadness that she couldn't spend time with the boy she loved and joy that she could spend time with her family. For a rare moment, Shizuru saw the familiar taint of the shadows of unrequited love bathe Natsuki's face. She knew that forlorn, hurt look all too well. She wore it many times in the dark of the night. So she did the only thing she knew how to do. She placed her hand, hesitantly, on Natsuki's shoulder and rasped with a smile, "Well then I hope Natsuki enjoys her time with her family."

Natsuki gave her a rough, diminutive grin and made a noncommittal noise as she nodded her head. Then she turned back to the pathway leading out of the house and to her bike, but something made her pause. A troubled expression plastered on her face and she eyed Shizuru out of the corner of her vision, "I…won't be able to come next week. I've got plans again…with Yuuichi and Mai this time. The HiMEs are gathering for a picnic or something. So…sorry."

Another cord struck in her heartstrings. Without her knowledge, her russet orbs tinted scarlet red. A strange bloody red, bordering between anxiety and anguish. Natsuki's emerald irises widened slightly at the open and dejected look, but before she could comment on it the misery was hidden away. Shizuru's calm smile returned and her eyes dimmed to russet cinnamon once more, "It is alright. Natsuki has plans and I would not want to keep her from them. Perhaps…another time?"

There was just a thread of hope leaking into her voice and Natsuki caught it. Her brow furrowed before she shrugged the disturbance away and she nodded, rough grin back on her face. She leaped lightly down the stone steps past the shoji doors and said, "Yeah another time. The week after the next? Same place, same time, same thing?" she asked, smirking.

"Same place, same time, same thing," Shizuru answered, familiarity glowing distantly happy in her eyes.

Natsuki smirked again and nodded before turning and jogging up the path. Shizuru watched as Natsuki reached her bike and swung onto the vehicle. She watched as the ignition was turned on and as Natsuki pulled her helmet on. Her dark eyes slowly followed the blue-haired maiden as she crouched lower onto her bike before revving the engine. Then the motorcycle took off and Shizuru was staring at nothing in minutes. Her eyes gradually turned away from the path and looked into the depths of her home. Her empty home, just as vacant as the feeling in her steadily bleeding heart.

She pushed the shoji doors open wider. Softly stepping out, her footfalls resonated in the sequestered yard of her wooden home. Her stare wandered around the yard before roving up the path and staring past the wooden fence. She crossed toward it and stared out down the road. She swore she could almost hear Natsuki's bike roaring away. Yet it was futile to wish it was. Russet hues trailed upward to the sky and peered at the rays of gold, violet, and fuchsia tones. Azure tinted the sky in the beginnings of moonrise and the end of sunset. Her heart constricted.

Thoughts of Natsuki invaded her mind, thoughts of dreams and wishes, of hopeless love and of unnoticed observance, of disregarded care and thin loyalty, and of something that just wasn't quite friendship. Her lips quivered and the reflection of tears glazed her dim eyes. Thoughts of the HiME, of their power and ability to help the world, of her frustration of always standing on the sidelines overlooked, of her anger at her uselessness, and of Natsuki fighting the days away, whether it be against Orphans or unreturned affection. Thoughts of isolation and power, of conspiracy in the older days and overcome with work, cut off from human companionship. Thoughts of lost chances, of snuck embraces and slipping arms around a wonderful, lithe waist, of burying her face into smooth sapphire tresses. Thoughts of emerald eyes. Thoughts of Natsuki, of love. Silent and ever watching love.

With each thought, with each painful reminder, a tear slipped from her eyes and trickled down her cheeks. Catching the fading light of the sun, they shone like auric-reflected liquid stones and plopped soundlessly on the pavement. Soundless like her love, her care, her wish of friendship. To be Natsuki's friend was what she desired. To be Natsuki's friend was what she wished. To be Natsuki's friend was what she dreamed of. The blow though, the crushing blow, was that she couldn't. She couldn't be near her like Mai could. She couldn't kiss her like Tate had been allowed to. She couldn't love her, wasn't allowed to despite the throbbing passion that ardently beat in the core inside of her chest. She just couldn't.

Because Natsuki saw her, just not enough.

Because Shizuru prayed for Natsuki, just not enough.

Because Natsuki cared for Shizuru, just not enough.

Because Shizuru's heart and soul bled and despaired for Natsuki, just not enough.

Because Shizuru would always be 'just not enough'.

She could never be fully there for her. She could never be allowed to fully care for her. She could never be fully trusted by her. She could never touch her. She could never be fully important to her. She could never fully be her companion. She could never be her lover, her soul mate, her confidant. She could never be her friend.

She could never be enough.

- - -

**Wolf: **There! Angst angst angst angst and oh look! More angst! So it took me two days to finish this but I am by far rather happy at how it turned out. Besides the fact that I wrote this to calm me down when I was angry, I wrote this because I'd always had an urge to write something about the HiME manga. I tried to capture how I viewed Natsuki and Shizuru's relationship in the manga which was rather…strange I guess.

It just came off to me as though the two were rather distant with each other. Aloof. Close to being friends yet just always falling short of it. Obviously, Shizuru seemed to care immensely for Natsuki in the manga yet she never quite crossed that distant acquaintance-friend line. Natsuki was harder to…interpret. At times I swore she cared for Shizuru and then there were times where it came off to me that she could've cared less…so…their relationship was rather interesting…if you could call it a relationship.

I just had the dying urge to write it and am still fascinated by it. Who knows, I might write a chapter fic based off the manga. I've been wanting too…

:3 Reviews are nice…just don't yell at me for the angst. D: You are allowed to cry and throw things at me though…XD


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